Is Accepting a Spouse's Faults Enabling?

IF I FULLY ACCEPT MY SPOUSE AS THEY ARE, ISN’T THAT ENABLING THEIR WEAKNESSES? 

Isn't that negligence?  Shouldn't I encourage them to improve?

After about 5 years of marriage, I learned for the first time a lesson that I learned and have had to relearn multiple times: people are much more likely to make positive change in their lives if they feel unconditionally loved and completely accepted as they are today.

This seems counter intuitive--how will things improve if I don't continue to make clear how I need them to improve? 

Five years into my marriage I came to a crossroads—life was not what I had expected.  The Lord led me to a new approach.  He helped me accept things as they were.  I accepted that my husband would continue to be inactive, depressed and generally unpleasant, and that my job was to only love him and be his friend, no strings attached.  I held out no hope for any change.  While initially this was sad, I worked to funnel my energy into simply loving him and being his friend in a way that he could feel.

While I had surrendered the idea of change and just loved him, to my surprise, change was the result. Within a short time he was active, exercising his priesthood, serving, and happier.  Naturally, our friendship and love grew. He still struggled with his demons and was depressed, but a dramatic, positive change came just from feeling loved and completely and honestly accepted as he was.  The accidental experiment had begun.

But being human—I forgot this lesson every few years.  I would get fearful and angry and start feeling entitled to some changes.  The result? His insecurity would grow and seem to stall any change and create resentments between us and the spirit of love slackened--we were again adversaries instead of a team of allies. I had to learn again that if positive change was ever to happen, which it may not, I had to let go of wanting it and just love. I had to trust that my acceptance and love would improve things even if change didn’t happen.

Unconditional love and acceptance is also a sign of my faith—my faith in the plan, in them.  It respects that they are on their path and the Lord is working with them in their time and His time.  And ironically, that acceptance it creates an environment that is much more conducive and safe for any change to actually happen.

It goes back to what Packer said about behavioral change being more likely to happen through study of the gospel than through study of behavioral change.  The Gospel of Christ is LOVE, and I've seen over and over again that practicing unconditional love has brought about more positive change in our relationship over the past 20 years than all of the gentle reminders, requests, pleadings, resentments, manipulations and demands to please change.

God loves us unconditionally.  He invites us, he hopes we listen, but he always loves us, helps us and shines the sun on us anyway.  In that unconditional way we can strive to be like God, we can shine our sun on our spouse no matter what they do.  However, we cannot be like Him in judgment or forgiveness, he has said He is the judge and He will forgive whom He will forgive, but we may not judge and must always forgive, whether or not they ask for it.

Only that makes a marriage a safety, a refuge, and a gift.  Life is already an exacting school, our spouse should be our comfort and companion during that school, not just another schoolmaster.

Some of the positive changes lasted, some didn’t.  So I start the experiment again--what if absolutely nothing changes, can I choose to fully accept today's reality with no wondering about the future?  What if I simply focus all my energy on providing this human, flawed, human being with all the love a child of God should have, no matter what he does or doesn't do?  That isn't hopelessness, that is trying to walk in the way of Christ--a heart focused entirely on love. 

And time after time this experiment has brought me greater peace, a better friend and a stronger companionship—and has provided the only fertile soil for any change if or when it does come.